Ugandans Arrested for Not Having Toilets

Not only is pooping in a non-toilet gross, it's illegal. In Uganda, at least. Government official and cool-name-haver Norbert Turyahikayo said the move was to fight cholera.

So for all those Poo News readers from Uganda (total: 0) at least dig a latrine.

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The Poop Fairy

Capitalism is great. Where there's a demand for something, it'll be filled. Such as an inflatable love sheep. But now there's a service to pick up poo for pet owners on walks, in case they're too lazy or big weenies or something. Hey, I guess they've filled a niche. With poo.

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Viva Las Poopas

The Las Vegas Review-Journal has a hilarious article about a man who cleans Sin City porta-potties for a living. He's a 300 pound Samoan, for good measure. It's full of good crap, but so much that it's hard to choose quotes. To wit:

Speaking of lunch, today it's fruit for Sapini. Sometimes it's a sandwich -- but never peanut butter.

"Anything that looks like crap, I don't eat," he says.

Good plan. And there's even a video!

Reading, Writing, and Poop Throwing

Ah, America's schools. Where's tomorrow's leaders learn today's skills. Like throwing turds.

Teachers in Boyd County, Kentucky took part in a poop throwing contest at the county fair. Hopefully their aim wasn't off or fairgoers might have gotten a special deep fried treat.

The educators were competing in a Teachers' Challenge for the kids to see them do silly stuff, like chug Pepsi. We're guessing the phys-ed teacher/coach won that one.

Sounds like a fun event though. I'd watch anybody throw cow poop - wrestlers, astronauts, ninjas, you name it.

Story at the Ashland (KY) Daily Independent

Goose Poop? Kill Em!

In Our Nation's Capitol, Canada geese are drawing complaints for pooping in the Anacostia River, making it more polluted. The solution? Kill those birds!

The National Park Service could kill around 600 of the birds, and even environmentalists support the duck hunt, as the critters are eating "vital marsh grasses" and such. Golf course owners don't like the avian poopers either because they eat the fairways.

So word to the wise - don't be an animal that poops in DC. Or eats golf course grass.

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On the phone in the bathroom

Herb Benham of the Bakersfield Californian has a column on talking on the phone in the bathroom. He seems to think it's no big deal, while I think it's pretty dumb. I may talk on the phone while at home talking with a buddy, but otherwise, no thanks.

For example, if I'm in the bathroom at work and somebody calls, I'm not answering. And if somebody is on the phone while using the urinal or the stall, I make sure to flush. I think it's funny - "Hey! Are you in the bathroom!" Especially if it's a work related conversation - "Ok, send that document to me" ((pooping noises)) "What the hell was that!"

I just think it's impolite though. I don't want to find out the hard way that poop is coming out of your butt while you're talking to me. Unless it's the president of the United States on the phone, wait til you're finished crapping.

What do you think?

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The Art of Poo

A poo-operative sent this to me the other day, it's Sprinkle Brigade, a website run by three guys who make art out of poo on the street. Pretty funny stuff. I kind of wish I had a bag of googley eyes to put on poo I see on the street.

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And their blog

And if you like fancier-schmancier poo art, check out Chris Ofili, who made a painting of the Virgin Mary (and other things) using paint and elephant dung.

Want some coffee? From a cat's butt?

Coffee is a great beverage. It wakes us up, warms us up, tastes great. Especially from a cat's butt.

The most expensive and rarest coffee in the world is Indonesian Kopi Luwak, which is extracted from the turds of the civet cat. For a mere $150-$600 a pound, you too can drink the stuff some critter was unable to digest. Where do I sign up!

Supposedly the digestive process makes the taste and aroma stronger - make your own joke here. Supposedly it's heavy and rich, caramel and chocolatey. I'd try it if somebody else bought it for me.

But really, who thought of trying this? "Hey, that cat just pooped some stuff out. Let's roast and drink it!"

And there are articles galore on it. A university study (from the University of Guelph, who earlier reminded us not to eat poop), as well as USA Today, BBC, CBC, the East Coast Family.

Four places to go before you die

I sure love to travel. I also like writing about poo. Finally I can combine the two, with visits to such places as Butt, Tennessee, Bumpass, Virginia, Middefart, Denmark, and Mianus, Connecticut.

Know of any other shitty places to visit? Besides Newark.

Fourth of July Poo

The nation's birthday has come and gone, bringing with it the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest at Coney Island. In a shocking upset, American college student Joey Chestnut beat six time champion Takeru Kobayashi. Chestnut ate a record 66 dogs and buns to Kobayashi's 63.

We expect he's been spending a lot of time in the bathroom today. Hopefully your 5th of July has been less about visits to the necessary.

Article on Chestnut's savory win

Hungry?

The Restaurant You Don't Want To Try
Originally uploaded by santa barbarian

"I've heard of this new Chinese place, it sounds great!"

This little gem is in the Sunland area of Los Angeles.

I'm getting hungry already. I wonder how their poo poo platter is.

The Courtesy Flush

This is more of a public service than news, but it's worth noting. The "courtesy flush" is when a pooper flushes in order to minimize a foul aroma. It's an especially good thing to do at a public restroom, at work, or at somebody else's house.

Urban Dictionary defines a courtesy flush as:

A flush in the middle of the toilet-sitting process in order to reduce the aroma...usually performed on a "foreign throne" as a courtesy to the owner of said throne... in other words, to be polite and not stink up the host's crapper too much.

For example, I had the misfortune of going into the bathroom at work today while somebody was taking a very smelly poo with no courtesy flush. Not a pleasant experience.

Wikipedia mentions the courtesy flush, there's a shirt, and of course that immortal scene in "Austin Powers" where Austin is fighting with a guy in a bathroom stall, and Tom Arnold playing a Texan says something like "Damn boy, how about a courtesy flush?" There's even a product that claims to eliminate doody odors called Courtesy Flush.

So there you have it. Please spread the word and spare us your turd.

Breaking News: Rat poop bad

This shocking revelation from the Staten Island Advance newspaper. Clearly they're more advanced than those other papers in New York, like the Times, Post, etc. The two page article says basically, don't handle rat poop and disinfect stuff or you might get sick.

I wonder if this article was really written in 1850 or sometime before the dawn of hygiene and got misplaced, then an editor came across it and decided to run it. I expect to see an article soon on Abner Doubleday's new game called "base-ball" that is sweeping the nation.

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Poop in the Capitol too

It's a poopy time in our Nation's Capital, as workers have found three piles of "actual, nonmetaphorical number 2" in the people's halls (and galleries). Speculation is that it's either a kid (who must poop a lot) or perhaps somebody making a political statement. Maybe supporters of Minnesota's Poop Bill?

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Poopy diaper evacuates DC Post Office

Yesterday I heard rumors of an evacuation at the main post office in downtown DC - cops were blocking streets, people were banned from coming anywhere near, and so on. The culprit - a terror baby's poopy diaper. Apparently the offending diaper was in a box that somebody deemed suspicious because of the "foul smell," as the Post put it. Cue the "postal worker is a shitty job" jokes.

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(AP Photo/Jacquelyn Martin)

Ms. Butts, the courthouse TP bandit

This one's almost too good to be true. The toilet paper at the Marshall County, Iowa courthouse was disappearing at "'unusually high rates,' even for county employees" said the Times-Republican newspaper. "In other words, something didn’t smell quite right," they continue.

Turns out there was a devious crook on the loose by the name of Suzanne Butts. Ms. Butts had some prior theft convictions (I'm not sure I want to know what for) so she may face prison time for her TP snatching. If you're going to steal TP, why not steal it from dirty gas station bathrooms, like everybody else seems to do?

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And in other news, I went to middle school with a girl named Suzanne Butz.

"Hey mom, let's go TP our teacher's house"

Now this is a heartwarming tale of the joys of motherhood. A loving mother takes seven wee babes on a family excursion - to TP their teacher's house. Apparently only one of the kids belonged to the mom, and she got a ticket for contributing to the delinquency of minors.

It makes one think though, how do seven 12 and 13-year olds convince a mom to drive them to their teacher's house to throw toilet paper all over it? And did she help? Don't get me wrong, I've TPed (or "rolled" as some call it) my share of houses, but my mom never drove us there.

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Have some really gross stuff come out of your butt

If you have Gmail, you've noticed how you sometimes get random ads that pop up. This one was "Photos - this site guarantees to removed really gross stuff from your gut." Now I like gross stuff as much as the next guy, but this link was almost too much.

It's a colon cleanser with lots of pictures of peoples' results, i.e. poo. Apparently it's some kind of a contest. But what are these people eating? It looks like they pooped out a tapeworm or their intestine. It's pretty gross, but at the same time oddly fascinating.

WARNING: Don't click if you don't want to see actual pictures of messed up looking poo. It's really gross, I'm telling you. Don't say you weren't warned.

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"Liverpool struggles to contain Kaka"

First off, I don't think there should be poo in the liver anyway, I'd see a doctor immediately. But if they mean the city (or the soccer team), then that sounds unpleasant. I'd hate to see a city full of Englishmen or an entire soccer team unable to contain their poo. I'd suggest taking some Pepto Bismol, it works wonders. Stay away from undercooked bangers and mash and don't drink the water.

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The Poop Bill

Now here's a reason to get involved in politics! In Minnesota, a bill nicknamed the Poop Bill is in the state house to allow people with Crohn's Disease, which causes sudden diarrhea, access to employee restrooms. It was brought to attention after a girl pooped herself in an Old Navy, although I would think that reaction would be more common at Abercrombie.

In any case, the bill was sponsored by a state senator from the Democratic-Farmer-Labor Party, which sounds like some of kind German political party, but is actually just the Democrats merged with a third party. Interesting.

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Food-safety experts share some advice: ‘Don’t eat poop’

I guess I should be a safety expert. "Don't shoot yourself in the face. Don't stick your finger in the garbage disposal. Don't eat poop." The last piece of advice comes from Doug Powell of the Food Safety Network, which he founded at the University of Guelph, Canada. Those Canadian academics are clearly about 400 years behind the rest of the world when it comes to sanitation. I hope there's not a bubonic plague outbreak up there, they'll probably blame it on ill humor or the wind or something. Thanks Doug!

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"Poop does not lie"

You got that right. The Hampton Roads, Virginia area has been inundated with nutria, rodents kind of like beavers or otters, that have been pooping all over the place. In Louisiana, people just go around shooting them. But in the state that is for Lovers, they're seeing what they can do.

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PS - sorry for not updating this shit in forever. Ha, get it?